Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
