Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
