I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
