I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The uberlube is also flammable
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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