dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just found puke in my bra..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
