I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I party with great urgency now.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
