I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize