I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
