Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
