brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
