I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
