She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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