Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
