my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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