Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
