wanna go halves on a baby?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I understand Curling. That high.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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