She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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