so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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