I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
