I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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