On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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