when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
