So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
