I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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