so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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