When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
