our cab driver is having phone sex.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize