i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
