sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
