Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
