i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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