You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize