He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He felt like a one man threesome
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
