My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
