I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
