I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
