Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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