I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
