i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
