We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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