You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
