Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
