I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
