normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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