i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
