Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
