I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
That's when you crack a 10am beer
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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