Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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