i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
