So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
