apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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