Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
