just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
