Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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