i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
