she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
